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Sun, 02 Jul 2006 04:59:04 GMT

NEW LIVEJOURNAL LADIES AND GENTS

http://nosuitcase.livejournal.com/

thisoneisoldlameandimoverit

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 23:21:16 GMT

i dont like what im becoming.
i dont like what im doing.
i dont like how im feeling.
i feel like i should just say its over before someone else does.
before it becomes too big.
i dont want to.
but.
i dont want the things i am right now either.
and.
i dont want to get hurt.
but.
if i do say it's over...
would that really change anything about myself?
or would i merely be changing up the scenery some?
only to interrupt the same scene later on.
only.
with another character.
in a slightly different play.
i guess i can run from scene to scene.
making costume change from costume change.
reciting lines with character to character.
but.
it wont matter.
because.
even with all the set changes.
under all the make up.
beneath all the costumes.
and no matter what line i speak.
i'm still the same character.
and this character is trying to grow.
(and it is)
and trying to learn.
(and it is)
but.
it takes time.
and my character doesn't want time.
it wants progress.
happiness.
it wants to pretend that life is nothing more than a moulin rouge.
it justs wants to learn the greatest thing one can learn
(as Toulouse-Lautrec so stated):
"just to love and be loved in return."
im trying.
im growing.
i dont want to run away anymore.
i dont want to chase anymore.
i just want to be.
and thats all.
but.
but. but. but.
funny.
in acting we're taught that the hardest thing for a performer to do
is just be.
to tell someone to sit onstage.
to not act, but be themself.
to pretend they are alone in their room.
or to merely walk through a door and to a window.
its the hardest thing for even the greatest of actors.
because.
youre not acting.
you dont have a character to hide behind.
youre completely exposed.
naked in a crowded room.
but.
maybe if we all quit acting and hiding behinf our facades.
then we could see each other.
really see each other.
and truly love
SO.
i'm trying and learning and trying to learn how to just be.

ps.
PMS is not awesome.
and.
sometimes i wish it were seen as a valid excuse for things.
is it?
i dont know.
plain and simple as that.

oh sigh

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 16:41:27 GMT

Start spreading the news
I'm leaving today
I want to be a part of it, New York, New York
These vagabond shoes
Are longing to stray
And make a brand new start of it
New York, New York
I want to wake up in the city that never sleeps
To find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap
These little town blues
Are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it
In old New York
If I can make it there
I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you, New York, New York.

drinking with buddha

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 00:25:30 GMT

The problem is that the "world out there" is constantly changing, everything is impermanent and it is impossible to make a permanent relationship with anything, at all.

The first noble truth is that life is frustrating and painful. In fact, if we are honest with ourselves, there are times when it is downright miserable. Things may be fine with us, at the moment, but, if we look around, we see other people in the most appalling condition, children starving, terrorism, hatred, wars, intolerance, people being tortured and we get a sort of queasy feeling whenever we think about the world situation in even the most casual way. We, ourselves, will some day grow old, get sick and eventually die. No matter how we try to avoid it, some day we are going to die. Even though we try to avoid thinking about it, there are constant reminders that it is true.

The second noble truth is that suffering has a cause. We suffer because we are constantly struggling to survive. We are constantly trying to prove our existence. We may be extremely humble and self-deprecating, but even that is an attempt to define ourselves. We are defined by our humility. The harder we struggle to establish ourselves and our relationships, the more painful our experience becomes.

The third noble truth is that the cause of suffering can be ended. Our struggle to survive, our effort to prove ourselves and solidify our relationships is unnecessary. We, and the world, can get along quite comfortably without all our unnecessary posturing. We could just be a simple, direct and straight-forward person. We could form a simple relationship with our world, our coffee, spouse and friend. We do this by abandoning our expectations about how we think things should be.

This is the fourth noble truth: the way, or path to end the cause of suffering. The central theme of this way is meditation. Meditation, here, means the practice of mindfulness/awareness, shamata/vipashyana in Sanskrit. We practice being mindful of all the things that we use to torture ourselves with. We become mindful by abandoning our expectations about the way we think things should be and, out of our mindfulness, we begin to develop awareness about the way things really are. We begin to develop the insight that things are really quite simple, that we can handle ourselves, and our relationships, very well as soon as we stop being so manipulative and complex.

The first point is called right view -- the right way to view the world. Wrong view occurs when we impose our expectations onto things; expectations about how we hope things will be, or about how we are afraid things might be. Right view occurs when we see things simply, as they are. It is an open and accommodating attitude. We abandon hope and fear and take joy in a simple straight-forward approach to life.

The second point of the path is called right intention. It proceeds from right view. If we are able to abandon our expectations, our hopes and fears, we no longer need to be manipulative. We don't have to try to con situations into our preconceived notions of how they should be. We work with what is. Our intentions are pure.

The third aspect of the path is right speech. Once our intentions are pure, we no longer have to be embarrassed about our speech. Since we aren't trying to manipulate people, we don't have to be hesitant about what we say, nor do we need to try bluff our way through a conversation with any sort of phoney confidence. We say what needs to be said, very simply in a genuine way.

The fourth point on the path, right discipline, involves a kind of renunciation. We need to give up our tendency to complicate issues. We practice simplicity. We have a simple straight-forward relationship with our dinner, our job, our house and our family. We give up all the unnecessary and frivolous complications that we usually try to cloud our relationships with.

Right livelihood is the fifth step on the path. It is only natural and right that we should earn our living. Often, many of us don't particularly enjoy our jobs. We can't wait to get home from work and begrudge the amount of time that our job takes away from our enjoyment of the good life. Perhaps, we might wish we had a more glamorous job. We don't feel that our job in a factory or office is in keeping with the image we want to project. The truth is, that we should be glad of our job, whatever it is. We should form a simple relationship with it. We need to perform it properly, with attention to detail.

The sixth aspect of the path is right effort. Wrong effort is struggle. We often approach a spiritual discipline as though we need to conquer our evil side and promote our good side. We are locked in combat with ourselves and try to obliterate the tiniest negative tendency. Right effort doesn't involve struggle at all. When we see things as they are, we can work with them, gently and without any kind of aggression whatsoever.

Right mindfulness, the seventh step, involves precision and clarity. We are mindful of the tiniest details of our experience. We are mindful of the way we talk, the way we perform our jobs, our posture, our attitude toward our friends and family, every detail.

Right concentration, or absorption is the eighth point of the path. Usually we are absorbed in absentmindedness. Our minds are completely captivated by all sorts of entertainment and speculations. Right absorption means that we are completely absorbed in nowness, in things as they are. This can only happen if we have some sort of discipline, such as sitting meditation. We might even say that without the discipline of sitting meditation, we can't walk the eightfold path at all. Sitting meditation cuts through our absentmindedness. It provides a space or gap in our preoccupation with ourselves.

The Goal

Most people have heard of nirvana. It has become equated with a sort of eastern version of heaven. Actually, nirvana simply means cessation. It is the cessation of passion, aggression and ignorance; the cessation of the struggle to prove our existence to the world, to survive. We don't have to struggle to survive after all. We have already survived. We survive now; the struggle was just an extra complication that we added to our lives because we had lost our confidence in the way things are. We no longer need to manipulate things
as they are into things as we would like them to be.

AND A MILLION QUOTES :

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.

If only I could throw away the urge to trace my patterns in your heart, I could really see you.

You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself,
and you will not find that person anywhere.

I teach one thing and one only:

that is, suffering and the end of suffering.

Make an island of yourself,
make yourself your refuge;
there is no other refuge.
Make truth your island,
make truth your refuge;
there is no other refuge

Things are not what they appear to be: nor are they otherwise.

Do not try to become anything.
Do not make yourself into anything.
Do not be a meditator.
Do not become enlightened.
When you sit, let it be.
What you walk, let it be.
Grasp at nothing.
Resist nothing.

If you haven't wept deeply, you haven't begun to meditate.

The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes.

If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue.

Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision.

My religion is to live and die without regret.

Know emptiness,
Be compassionate.

Strong and healthy, who thinks of sickness until it strikes like lightning?
Preoccupied with the world, who thinks of death, until it arrives like thunder?

All meditation must begin with arousing deep compassion.
Whatever one does must emerge from an attitude of love and benefitting others.

All worldly pursuits have but one unavoidable and inevitable end, which is sorrow; acquisitions end in dispersion; buildings in destruction; meetings in separation; births in death. Knowing this, one should, from the very first, renounce acquisitions and storing-up, and building, and meeting; and, faithful to the commands of an eminent Guru, set about realizing the Truth. That alone is the best of religious observances.
What you eat cannot purify your mind - but is there greed behind your choice of eating?
If yes, the mind that eats is not pure - be your choice vegetarian or not.

I think it is time to face yourself again.
Then again, it is always time.

Truth is only as real as our delusion allows.

Anything that is created must sooner or later die.
Enlightenment is permanent because we have not produced it; we have merely discovered it.

“You only lose what you cling to.”

“We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all.”

You will have to depart leaving everything behind, so do not be attached to anything.

See all living beings as your father or mother, and love them as if you were their child.

Believe nothing on the faith of traditions,
even though they have been held in honor
for many generations and in diverse places.
Do not believe a thing because many people speak of it.
Do not believe on the faith of the sages of the past.
Do not believe what you yourself have imagined,
persuading yourself that a God inspires you.
Believe nothing on the sole authority of your masters and priests.
After examination, believe what you yourself have tested
and found to be reasonable, and conform your conduct thereto.

One of his students asked Buddha, "Are you the messiah?"
"No", answered Buddha.
"Then are you a healer?"
"No", Buddha replied.
"Then are you a teacher?" the student persisted.
"No, I am not a teacher."
"Then what are you?" asked the student, exasperated.
"I am awake", Buddha replied.

The whole purpose of religion
is to facilitate love and compassion, patience, We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make our world.
tolerance, humility, forgiveness.

The secret of happiness lies
in the mind's release from worldly ties.

PS>>>> I KNOW THIS IS EXTREMELY " COLLEGE " ...but... OH WELL

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 05:35:18 GMT

SO.... guess who just got mugged at gun point....

yep.

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 17:28:35 GMT

maybe i am just in between and meantime. idk

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 15:03:39 GMT

- woke up afraid my car had been towed.
+ car was safe
- vagina bleeding all over the place
+ moving into apartment
+ furniture IN
+ running into allysonebooloff
-/+ buying paint/painting
- english papers
- wondering if the fox was hunted merely for its fur or if perhaps there is something more to it.

Tue, 30 May 2006 18:01:35 GMT

Oh Memorial Day and things...

+ swimming/ playing on rocks at Belle Isle
- cutting my foot on a rock
+ the profuse bleeding looked kind of cool
+ 4th st. diner
+ wine, beer, and good company
+ peaceful sleep next to someone nice
+ waking up next to said nice person
+ skipping out on work today (hey they promised me a long weekend by giving me friday off and then had me come in on sunday to work 15 hours. so there. )
- offering to work tomorrow even though I usually have Wednesday off
+ nice facebook messages
- missing people
- english hw
+ move into apartment soon
+ got permission to paint apartment
- $$$ for paint
+++ now it is 2 o'clock <3

could i be any more emo in this moment...

Fri, 26 May 2006 04:46:07 GMT

i think not.

like i always say -

... living life as a gamma may not be too terrible.

.... right now i feel like a bad weight on whatever scale it is that balances the universe. without bad, no good right? some weights soar and fly merrily through life untouched, and others stay grounded and do the best they can to overcome whatever horrible things are thrown their way... sometimes these bad weights can soar on happiness... but eventually their strings are cut and whatever force was holding those strings.. whatever cut them... laughs.. and the bad weight crashes to the ground, shatters, and tries to piece itself back together until that asshole of a force lifts them up again on false hopes and imaginary happiness and another cruel joke is played. i keep hearing that happiness is a choice. i suppose it is... but... i;m doing my best to stroll through life peacefully, but no matter where i go or where i turn, there is some ugly monster taking up space in my path. or some brick wall that i inevitably run into. don't get me wrong.. there has been some good in my life, but i;ve noticed that for the most part it usually takes something awful to cause any of that good. and usually the bad still outweighs whatever small good is brought. i'm an extraordinarily unlucky person and perhaps i am destined to wander alone. which.. i mean.. is fine with me... i love alone time. i just wish that life or karma or whatever would quit pulling my leg by sending me false hopes of warmth or care. if i;m meant to be alone... then just leave me be... no need to pour salt into the wounds.

maybe this is all just pms.
maybe i'm depressed.
maybe i'm bitter about a life spent doing my best to care for others and never having the favor returned.
or maybe, as rilo kiley (yeah... the emo-est livejournal entry of all time, right?) so gracefully put it :

".... and i say there's trouble when everything is fine.
the need to destroy things creeps up on me everytime.
and just as love's sillhouette appears i close my eyes and disappear tonight"

sigh. i'm sure i'll feel better in the morning and realize just how ridiculous this entry is... but for now... i'm not feelin' so joyous OK

Wed, 24 May 2006 16:06:18 GMT

why do i keep having dreams involving the guy from tales from the crypt and poltergeists?

oh and also there is usually alcohol and lots of running away/dying.

but in the end we all end up friends.

UPDATE

Fri, 05 May 2006 23:31:08 GMT

so i am now working as a seamtress/painter/event decorator

yay jobs

<3

Mon, 01 May 2006 21:40:34 GMT

If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle on Thursday, Dec 14, 2005, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso and a line in her mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help.

Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so badly off that they must act immediately. The only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her, a very dangerous proposition. Just one slap of the tail could kill a rescuer. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually she was freed.

When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around, she was thanking them.. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eyes were following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

-snopes.com

just for kicks

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 14:49:10 GMT

so yesterday i had two papers due, today i have auditions for the two mainstages next semester, my final in costuming, rehearsal for a show that goes up friday... i need to start working on two acting papers, two osbervation journals, prepare what i'm gonna do for the last day of class (we had to observe an assigned person all semester and now be them for the last day of class), work on my life scene for acting (it's grade = most of final grade)... after that all i have is my intro to drama exam which is three hours long.

... also... looking for a job... got a semi-job on some weekends that entails me being a princess and making balloon animals/face painting.

staying here over the summer

taking two art histories, an english, drama class, and tap dancing.

oh yeah..
and i'm going to greece next winter break.
.. can say a few things including (but not limited to) good morning,what is your name, and house in greek <3

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 18:00:35 GMT

..officially on a misson

also.. she really does resemble Templeton... the rat from Charlotte's Web.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 23:43:38 GMT

basically... dont delay going to the doctor ever. 4 prescriptions, an inflamed rib that won't heal for about 6 months,and the possibility of developing asthma later ... i've learned my lesson.

in better news though : I GOT AN APARTMENT

and a bobik ;)

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 15:31:52 GMT

Well.... i was going to do laundry today... BUT NOW I HAVE NO FUCKING QUARTERS.... thank you.

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 21:40:54 GMT

Sorry I’m not home right now
I’m walking into spiderwebs...

OH JESUS

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 01:24:46 GMT

Aries: You're determined to receive the most cards, candy and flowers. Who says sending roses to yourself doesn't count?

Taurus: A bouquet of dandelions, dime store chocolates and dinner at a fast food restaurant? Relax, it was just a bad dream!

Gemini: You make two dates for the night -- and then backup plans with your friends in case you decide to flake on your original plans.

Cancer: Ooh, there's nothing like candy heart art and lace doilies to get you going! Martha Stewart's got nothing on you.

Leo: You are displeased by the single red rose some admirer left on your windshield. Clearly you are worth at least a dozen!

Virgo: You refuse to share the box of chocolates you receive -- what if someone fingers them? What if someone sneezes on your roses?

Libra: You send valentines to everyone you know: your hairdresser, your fourth grade teacher, your manicurist, your manicurist's cousin … You don't want anyone to feel left out.

Scorpio: Why go out for a fancy dinner when you already have dessert waiting at home? Who knew that a Cupid costume could be so sexy?

Sagittarius: You can't commit to sending a card -- what if the recipient reads too much into it? You fake temporary amnesia to avoid acknowledging the holiday.

Capricorn: Lacy hearts and syrupy sentiments make you sneeze -- besides, nothing says love like a new electronic organizer!

Aquarius: Manufactured holidays aren't your cup of decaffeinated herbal tea, but consuming a few vegan chocolates doesn't make you a conformist, does it?

Pisces: You live for this stuff! The world would be such a better place if we could all just hold hands and share heart-shaped cookies every day.

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 18:38:20 GMT

... a canadian secret agent.... YESSS

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 22:32:29 GMT

so here's the plan :

this weekend i'm auditioning for summer work at king's dominion. they have weekend/ saturday only positions available AND it's only 30 mins away from richmond so i can still take classes over the summer. PLUS.. it's like $500 a week + EQUITY POINTS woooo... and it's also something to put on my resume. YES.

also... got another part in another play. i'm the lead who also happens to be a secret agent. woo HOO!! <3<3<3

vegan bbq ribs = amazing.

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 20:52:57 GMT

1. name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favorite place to be:
11. favorite lyric:
12. best time of the year:
13. weirdest food you like:
14. do clowns scare you:
RECOMMEND
1. a film:
2. a book:
3. a band, a song and an album:
PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you.
4. post a picture of you (if possible):

IM FAMOUS.... in.... chicago

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 04:45:45 GMT

remember over the summer when i got a million emails through myspace about my url being graffitied all over some train stop in chicago... well apparently its everywhere :

hey i was in a restaurant in chicago yesterday and i was ur URL on the bathroom wall and i figured i will visite it and c if it actually existed. did u work there or something cuz it also said say hi to out employess. well just thoguht u should know u r famous will all the ladies that go in to that bathroom here in chicago :)

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 20:14:19 GMT

oi. this break has been insane. and by insane i mean a tad bit on the sucking side. a lot of it was good, but some of it was not. and now i just opened some mail from vcu which = a not so good letter. joy.. anyway i spent most of today taking care of things so i have money to give to those jerks. saw my mom... got her to buy me some vodka. and that has been my day so far. IM WORKING ON SMELLING THE ROSES OK... also... i cannot wait to get back to richmond and for school to start. and also also... i got some more hair dye... so i think tonight = hair dye time. :)

GAH

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 01:51:38 GMT

Aries starts eating before everyone else has been seated.

Taurus accepts only the finest pieces of white meat.

Gemini grabs both turkey wings for themselves.

Cancer spends all day slaving over a hot stove and cries when the meal is over too soon.

Leo sulks that Capricorn is at the head of the table.

Virgo will only accept a minimum helping of the meal.

Libra does their best to make sure everyone gets equal portions.

Scorpio puts extra garlic in the mashed potatoes.

Sagittarius goes camping for the long weekend.

Capricorn sits at the head of the table.

Aquarius makes a meal entirely out of soy products.......

Pisces wants to be one with the turkey.

AHHHHHHH

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:41:25 GMT

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